Last fall’s TFC Eagles football team was a tremendous flop, but this year, spring workouts starts, and a new coaching staff is moving in to foster our grid iron talent. For the new students in TFC, last year’s team was fraught with difficulties that naturally arise with a new team. For example, last year it took three weeks and five deprogramming classes to convince many students that football does not consist of kicking a ball in a netted goal. After finally persuading athletes of this, coaches found that TFC had a plethora of wide receivers and corners, but nobody with the mass to block, tackle, or put on the fifty pound equipment that is required. Needless to say the team was undersized, and got pummeled aggressively, and in many cases, caused some to question their faith.
Though in a last ditch effort to restore the team morale after losing six consecutive games, and filling up Nurse Marsha’s work load, coaches scattered to find any backups they could. They even recruited from the theology department, but divisions arose between free choice and predestination, and caused a heated debate at half time, leading to a walk off, which convinced those Calvinists in the crowd, that TFC was destined to lose anyway.
Although, the first season of Eagles football was a wheezing travesty, this next season offers hope to those hardcore football fans. The Athletics Department has made coaching changes and has also altered their strategies to ready the athletes for pigskin success. Since defense was a major problem last year, the staff has added Red N. Amy, and her chapel team, to strengthen the player’s abilities. Asked why she is specifically qualified to lead a defensive charge, she added that she has successfully managed to defend against worshippers who wished to dance in the chapel. She quotes, “preventing the dancing is a passion of mine, and if I can stifle that, it shouldn’t be difficult to cut off a receiver’s route…it’s about footwork and dedication.”
If this isn’t intimidating enough to the opposing teams, Natale Veara, successful in blocking all students trying to leave chapel early, with an impeccable record of ruthlessness, has been given the job of offensive line coach. Her record is remarkable as she has taken chapel workers each weighing sixty pounds soaking wet, and have turned them into an impenetrable force of blocking machinery. When asked how she has accomplished this goal she adds, “nothing short of diarrhea can excuse an early departure.” With these two coaching additions the Toccoa Falls Eagles football season is showing promise in the upcoming season.
Besides the coaching additions, there are also new strategies to inspire the athletes. With the lack of bulk last season, the entire team, starting after Easter, will be fed a steady diet of cafeteria pizza, and will be forced to watch, Facing the Giants, for continued motivation. There will also be a huge recruitment from the baseball team, since a few extra pounds around the gut will have a positive effect on the line. For condition training they are to carry all the books necessary for Intermediate Greek on their back at all times, and for grip training, they will ride the TFC bus on back roads, with no shocks, wheezing brakes, while trying to hold a football in their hands.
These are just a few techniques to whip the team into condition to play against bigger opponents, mainly, the middle school golf team, and the Habersham Chess Club. But Head Coach Dr. Ryan Snelldon, is hopeful of the season, mainly because he resembles John Harbaugh, and also because he has a secret weapon. When asked what it is, he coyly smiled, and hinted, that it has nothing to do with strategy, and everything to do with trading the TFC waterfall to the New York Jets and getting Tim Tebow in its place. “He also does not appreciate Rob Bell’s philosophy,” Snelldon adds as he comments to confused reporters. With Tebow’s future set in Toccoa, the Mr. TFC competition suddenly has a new and imposing contestant.
Besides the additional coaching staff, the strategies, and Tebow, there is tremendous support for the sport among faculty and students. Dr. William Donalds, confused the team last season when he tried to inspire the team in Old English, quoting, Beowulf. This year he says, he has learned to adapt to his environment, and instead will only quote Chaucer in Middle English, which he says, will allow the team to easily relate and, “thus, become irrevocably motivated.” Though the team played at the flood plains, and the sideline tapered off into the stream, and half of the bleachers sunk into the mud, the turnout of faculty and staff was favorable, and promises to draw more of a crowd with their new stadium, The Robert Gundry Zaxby’s Alliance Dome, built in the spot where the married students used to reside.
So get ready, bring yourself to cheer for the home team, and watch the Eagles soar. Where else are you going to go to find spirited competition, hard-nosed, bloody, bone crunching warriors, battling in a game of wills, in a struggle for every inch or advantage? That’s right, the Philosophy Club, but if they are busy, then try our football team. It could be a great season!
(Writer’s note: The names in this article are fictional as well as the idea that TFC has a football team. No guinea pigs were harmed in the making of this article, and the only tree that was killed was the one I chopped down to contemplate my deep ruminations as I typed this.)