How to Break Up with Your Roommate

Recently, I had to confront a professor about dropping a class, and it was terrifying and nerve-wracking. Here’s a transcript of what was said as he was signing the withdrawal form:

Professor: You’re not gonna get awkward around me now, are you?

Me: Well… I’m awkward around everyone.

Professor: I know.

Me: [Incomprehensible stuttering, and then…] Thank you.

Cue exit hanging head in shame.

Even though I’ve dumped classes, I’ve never had to dump my roommate. All of my roommate changes have been mutual. Okay, I’ve been dumped once or twice, but they had pretty good reasons. The point is, I learned a thing or two about dumping roommates: that it’s a lot like tactfully asking emotional questions to your significant other. Actually, it’s probably nothing like that, but comparing it to a girl dumping her boyfriend would be too easy. So here are your tips for breaking up with your roommate brought to you by a relationship advice article on asking sad questions or something.

Step 1: Decide exactly what you want to talk about and why.
I’ll do this step for you. You’re dumping your roommate, you jerk.

Step 2: Pick a time and place that is both relaxing and intimate — preferably in private
You could break the sad news to them in your room in front of your awesome HDTV and entertainment center that they’ll never get to use again. Try getting them on a good day too.

Step 3: Ask your question and be honest
I believe that questions work a lot better when dumping your roommate. “Do you know if Jim is looking for a roommate? Let’s find out together.” “Have you considered living off campus, but not with me?” “Would you mind tidying up your side of the room … by moving all of your stuff somewhere else?”

Step 4: Take care not to scare the person away or be too emotional
I think this step would make more sense if it were options. You can either take care not to scare the person away, or you can be too emotional. It’s really your pick because sometimes you want to be tactful, and sometimes you want to be so untactful that there’s really no chance that the guy would stay.

Step 5: Keep it casual
This is the point where you take your shoes off and shake your nasty feet in your roommate’s face until he gets the heck outta there. There’s no such thing as being too casual.

Step 6: Be confident and direct
“I’m confident that your bed is haunted.”

Step 7: Listen to the other person completely when they answer you
Okay, most of the steps leading up to this one may make you come off as a big meany. But despite this, listen to the other person’s stance on the whole issue. Whatever they want to say really isn’t gonna matter anyway. Why would he wanna continue to live with the guy who told him to go away?

Step 8: Be prepared to compromise
You might have to help move his stuff to his new room. I’m already working on the tips to avoid that part.