Take a breath.
I am often paralyzed by my fears – the fear of falling and crash landing, the fear of no landing at all, and the feeling that everyone around me knows something I don’t, and they’re all holding out on me. I am afraid of never reaching the self-actualization that Henry always talked about. I am afraid of breaking, and I’m afraid of never growing. But my heart knows that for anything to grow, it must fall towards the earth and break within the soil. The only thing worth being afraid of is fear itself. Sometimes I wonder if Jonathan was afraid, or if he always knew that the strength is in the breaking. I wonder if he knows that I miss him.
I remember the night my best friend broke down and told me his deepest, darkest secret, and admitted to giving in to the fear that inevitably shakes our spirits when we experience moments of vulnerability. I simply told him that I love him. Nothing that he has done or ever will do could make me love him any less. Love does not think less of. And I reminded him of his strength, as steady and solid as mountains, and the truest thing I have ever known. I have never been more proud than I was in that moment, as simple as it was. It was intimate.
Friends, I see the way your hands shake. I see the dark circles under your tired eyes. I know you’re afraid to claim yourself. I know you don’t want the hurt to be real. I know you’ve been lied to by Satan, who is only out to get you. I know you’ve been lied to by people you’ve trusted to build you up instead of tear you down. I know you have been lied to by the church, as well. I’m sorry for this. I am so sorry. You are worth more than their words. Your fears, your hopes, your dreams, even your failures matter.
I am consistently reminded of love. Perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves being punished. Try as I may, I will never understand why I spend so much time punishing myself – why I am constantly trying to avoid the feeling and the breaking. Elizabeth said there are cracks in everyone, and this is how the light of God gets in. I spend too much time trying to keep him out. I spend too much time trying to keep me in. All of the doors are about to be opened. This house desperately needs to experience the fresh air. It is high time.
There is victory. It’s here. Take it. This is not the end. We have so much farther to go. We have dreams to dream and people to become.
I don’t have the answers. I don’t want the answers, because they are too great a burden for me to bear. But I have faith in you. I have faith in us. We can walk home together.
Fear erased daily. Perfect love.
So be it.