If you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet that you know you are destined to marry , welcome to TFC new students. It is pervasive though, isn’t it, the feeling of loneliness that can sometimes be overwhelming in a place where God seems to be sprouting up couples like weeds. Okay, bad term, perhaps turnips, beets, radishes, I don’t know. And now there is Valentine’s Day coming up, so those of us who are single have to be badgered by that, and blinded by the gleaming smiles of those that are holding hands, and skipping our way after classes.
What is the solution the single people clamor and ask? It does not lie in those internet Christian dating sites thinking you are talking to Sally, a blonde twenty one year old worship coordinator with a heart for God, when really it is Sal, a bloated, veiny, fifty-seven year old factory worker who has a heart for National Lampoon movies and a pet python named Bellmont. That’s beside the point. The main point I was trying to make was, for the single person, Valentine’s Day can be intolerable at best, and torturous to those that cannot express the romantic and poetic surges of love to a blushing rosy face.
It was something that drove me into fits of discouragement where I would huddle in the corner and listen to the music of fat bugs splattering against my ceiling fan. Then, one very depressed Valentine’s Day, I started thinking about the past, and how great things were without the adult presence and pressure of needing some significant other as an avenue to happiness.
I thought of one particular Valentine’s day, still the best I have ever had, where my parents were gone, and I watched Terminator and I had mounds of candy, bags of chips, plates of pizzas (okay, only one plate), and was perfectly content as a young whimsical lad spending Valentine’s Day alone. In fact, it was a supreme pleasure.
So reflecting on that, and comparing that with my current state, I asked myself, why should couples have all of the holidays to their grubby selves? Why should that fun that I experienced as a boy not filter out into my manhood state where scripture even commends single-hood? So I invented Autonomy Day…a day that people who are single, alone, smelly, etc. can enjoy the pleasures of doing whatever they want..depending on what state or country you are in you may be prosecuted.
But there is freedom in Autonomy Day! Celebrate this day with me and many others and revisit your childlike joy, the same joy you realized when your parents were going away, and you could shoot paint-balls in the house, or, like some of you, listen to The Adventures Of Odyssey. It is a day where we realize our freedom and not listen to the disparaging propaganda that you need to have a guy or a girl to be happy.
Here are the guidelines to Autonomy Day. You wake up. Then you do whatever you want. Imagine the bondage that the rest of the world is going to be in as you roller-skate down the highway clad only in a diaper. Think of those poor saps that have to pretend to be romantic, and who have to spend the day walking on egg shells, uttering words that will be used against them in the next argument, and watching hard earned dollars swallowed up in the forms of those little square chocolates. It is almost sad really. While they are in chains, we will be free to experience Autonomy Day.
Do not listen to the internet names. Single Awareness Day…like it’s a disease. Something online said, “Forever Alone.” That is too depressing. We don’t need that negativity in our lives. Autonomy. Autonomy…what a word, what a name…what a holiday. Let us take back some of these holidays starting February, uh, I don’t know, whenever Valentines Day is, the 14th maybe.